How Much Should You Change to Grow?

I don’t have to turn my life into advice to have something to say. I’m reminding myself of that because even asking ‘How much should you change to grow?’ makes me sound like I’m about to give you an answer. I don’t. I have an experience. That’s what I can offer. I often find out what I think by saying it out loud. Sometimes I hear it back and need to sit with it. Sometimes I decide to keep it to myself. The uncomfortable ones can feel almost too much like me. But I want to be part of the conversation while I’m still figuring things out. If something in my experience is useful to you, wonderful. I’m also here because I want to show up—and get clearer about what I mean.

Writing and making videos are where this question has become difficult for me. I’m pushing myself to share parts I used to keep hidden, and I don’t always know what to make of the reluctance. Some of it is my own anxiety about social media and video. I’m an older millennial. There is plenty here that I’m still getting used to.

One video made me hesitate because it felt too much like me. I did eventually release it. I’m trying to share more of myself, yet recognising myself was part of what made it uncomfortable.

I want to change, but I also have to judge what I’m changing. Is the reluctance a habit that keeps me from doing something I want to do? Or is it part of how I take care with what I say?

I’ve been misunderstood before. That affects how I think about being interpreted now. I’m risk-averse, and I don’t want to get myself into trouble. There is anxiety in that, but there is also deliberate care. Calling the whole thing fear would make it easier to argue that I should push through it. I don’t think it is that simple.

When I talk about Saudi, for example, I have criticisms and positive things to say. I’m conscious of not sounding self-loathing. I care about being understood, and I know that what I mean and what somebody hears can be different. I want to be able to speak about the things I question and the things I appreciate. Being less careful would not necessarily help me say either one more clearly.

But care can’t settle the question for me either. If I trust every hesitation, what am I giving myself room to change? I have to question the reluctance as well as listen to it.

Some of the videos I nearly don’t post seem to do best. But what do I mean by best? Attention is one possible answer. I haven’t settled how much a response should count in deciding whether sharing something was worthwhile. And it can’t tell me what a video I keep to myself was worth.

Releasing that video was one decision. It doesn’t give me a rule for the next one. The difficult part is having to use my own judgment to decide which parts of that judgment I need to challenge. How do I make room to grow while still taking myself seriously when I hesitate?